


Short and Silly Roisa Shorts

by WhenTheCanonShootsOnlyBlanks



Category: Jane the Virgin (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Really random, Shorts, Silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2018-12-27 18:03:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12086409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhenTheCanonShootsOnlyBlanks/pseuds/WhenTheCanonShootsOnlyBlanks
Summary: A collection of mostly short and fluffy Roisa shorts.





	1. Cursing in Church

**Author's Note:**

> So I have a lot of ideas that do not make a lot of sense but I still think are funny, so I decided to post them here, all in one big heap.
> 
> Enjoy!

Luisa dug her heels into the pavement as Rose tried to pull her up the church’s steps.

‘Come on, Lu. We’re in Rome, we have to visit at least one church,’ Rose said, one hand on her hip, the other still holding on to Luisa, trying to convince her by batting her eyelashes. It almost worked.

‘I don’t like churches,’ Luisa said meekly.

‘Me neither. But this is _Rome_ , they’re not just churches, they’re works of art. And this work of art houses a couple Caravaggio’s I want to see.’

‘You can go see them, I’ll just wait out here,’ Luisa said, pointing to a bench on the other side of the street, trying to pull her hand out of Rose’s grasp.

Rose didn’t let go. ‘Don’t be an idiot, it’s way too hot to sit out in the sun. Come on, just look at them with me. It’s just a church, they’re hardly going to kick us out for being gay.’

‘Not what I’m worried about…’ Luisa muttered.

‘Great, then let’s go. I’ll even buy you gelato after,’ Rose smiled, pulling a still reluctant Luisa up the churches steps.

Luisa mumbled something under her breath but let Rose lead her up the steps. It been over twenty years, maybe everything would be alright…

As soon as they passed through the church’s doorway a chill ran up Luisa’s spine, and it wasn’t just because it was pleasantly cool inside the basilica, that she was sure off.

‘See? We didn’t spontaneously burst into flames,’ Rose teased as she pulled Luisa past the pews towards the darkened alcoves where the paintings hung.

Luisa nervously looked around as Rose started explaining something about contrasts. The church wasn’t too busy. A couple of tourists like them were walking around, admiring the paintings and frescoes, a school class was listening to their teacher explain something on the other side of the church and a handful of locals were seated at the front, praying silently.

Still, it wasn’t the people freaking Luisa out, all the statues and stucco angels on the ceiling seemed to be staring at her in silent judgement.

Luisa averted her eyes, focusing on Rose instead.

‘Great, light and dark, very pretty. Can we go now?’ Luisa asked, nervously tapping her toes on the tile.

‘What’s up with you? It’s just a church,’ Rose asked, confused and a little annoyed.

Luisa was still trying to figure out her answer when a loud shriek tore through the church, the parishioners at the front of the church falling to their knees and frantically crossing themselves.

‘Fucking epic!’ one of the students yelled. ‘She’s crying blood!’

Luisa flinched.

‘The hell…’ Rose muttered, forgetting she was in church and making her way to the front to get a closer look.

Luisa momentarily debated just staying put but figured that would just be weirder.

‘Okay, that’s definitely strange,’ Rose whispered as she looked at the marble statue of the Virgin Mary standing proudly in front of them, something that looked suspiciously like blood leaking from the corners of her eyes.

‘It’s probably just rust or something,’ Luisa said, hands stowed deeply in the pockets of her dress.

‘Yeah, probably,’ Rose said, turning to look at Luisa, who was trying very hard to avoid meeting her gaze.

‘So now the statues have starting weeping tears of blood, can we go get gelato?’ Luisa asked, pulling on Rose’s hand.

‘Yeah, sure,’ Rose said slowly, her eyes imperceptibly narrowed as she looked at Luisa.

15 minutes later as they were sitting under a beach umbrella enjoying their gelato Rose was still staring at her.

‘Do I have gelato on my face or something?’ Luisa asked as she wiped at her lips, knowing it was something else that had grabbed Rose’s attention.

‘No, you’re fine,’ Rose said in that same measured tone as before, her head tilted to the side a little, her brain obviously trying to make sense of something impossible.

Luisa sighed, pushing her half-eaten bowl of ice cream away from her. ‘It was me, okay? I made the statue cry blood.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous, that makes no sense. It was probably rust like you said,’ Rose said, not sounding all that confident.

‘I know it makes no sense,’ Luisa said, tapping her ice cream spoon on the table. ‘But I’m telling you. It’s me. I did that.’

‘And how did you do that?’ Rose laughed, obviously not taking her seriously.

‘I’m cursed.’ She looked at her hands for a moment before turning her eyes up at Rose, who was struggling not to laugh.

Seeing Luisa was serious she swallowed it down. ‘Cursed how?’ Rose asked casually, folding her hands on the table top in front of her, obviously trying to compose herself.

Luisa took a deep breath. ‘Ikindahadgaysexinachurchonceandwekickedoverastatueandeversincethishasbeenhappening,’ she said without pausing to breathe in between.

Rose took a second to repeat Luisa’s ramblings in her mind, her eyes then going wide with understanding.

‘You had sex? In a church?!’ she whispered urgently, leaning out of her seat so they wouldn’t be overheard

Luisa nodded slowly, resting her head in her hands.

‘Why? Why would you have sex in a church? Was it on a dare or something?’

‘It was the only place available to us at that time… She went to a catholic boarding school. The chapel was the only place we could be alone.’

‘How old were you?’ Rose frowned.

‘Fifteen, I think? I don’t know. It was a long time ago. Anyway, that is your takeaway from this? Not the fact that the Virgin Mary now cries blood whenever I step into a church?’

‘I mean, catholic school girl, good for teenage you,’ Rose nodded, still not getting the point.

‘Rose! I’m cursed! Please focus on that! I banged a girl in a church and now I make Jesus’ mother cry whenever I step foot in one.’

‘Come on, that can’t possibly be correlated.’

‘Really?’ Luisa said pointedly. ‘How many times have you seen statues cry blood?’

‘Okay, I have to admit, it was a little strange, but nothing that can’t be explained rationally.’

‘There is a rational explanation: it’s me. I’m cursed,’ Luisa pressed on.

‘Lu, there’s no such thing as curses,’ Rose said gently.

‘I am telling you this one is real. But if you don’t believe me, fine, I’ll show you.’ She stood up abruptly, her chair clattering on the cobbles, only just remaining upright.

‘Show me how?’ Rose asked as she let Luisa pull her to her feet.

‘The correlation,’ Luisa said, dragging Rose down the sunny Italian streets. Luckily this was Rome and there was a church on pretty much every street.

‘Please forgive me,’ Luisa whispered as she passed under the doorway, looking around until she’d found a statue of the Virgin Mary, parking them in front of it.

‘So we’re just going to stand here and wait?’ Rose asked.

‘We can walk around if you want. It will happen.’ It always happened, without fail, ever since she knocked over that statue two decades ago.

They admired the colorful marble tiles and frescoes for a few minutes, the both of them shooting intermittently glancing back at the statue.

‘Fucking hell,’ Rose cursed under her breath when this statue too started to cry blood.

‘Rose! We’re in church,’ Luisa chastised, poking Rose in the ribs.

‘Yes, and you make statues cry blood. Me saying fuck is hardly in the same league.’

At that precise moment a strangled gasp tore through the church, someone else had noticed the crying.

‘Okay, let’s go,’ Luisa said, pulling Rose out of the church. She would rather not be linked to two crying statues and be burned as a witch. ‘That enough proof for you?’ Luisa asked, daring Rose to challenge her.

Rose, for once, seemed to be at a loss for words. ‘So, is it just churches?’ she said after a while.

‘Well, we better skip the Vatican just to be sure, but yeah, I think it has something to do with the hallowed ground,’ Luisa shrugged.

‘So, my girlfriend’s cursed,’ Rose nodded slowly, coming to terms with it quicker than Luisa had expected.

‘Just a little,’ Luisa said, smiling awkwardly.

‘I’m kind of jealous really. After everything I’ve done religious icons still don’t spontaneously start crying blood in my presence,’ Rose pouted.

‘I could always eat you out in church and fix that for you,’ Luisa muttered, Rose’s face immediately lighting up. ‘No! I was joking! I don’t want to be double cursed. Jesus, Rose.’

Rose just smiled, wrapping her arm around Luisa’s waist, kissing her temple. ‘It’s kind of a cool curse. Just means we can’t get married in a church. Or maybe we should, all the crying statues would really set the mood,’ she grinned, a maniacal glint in her eyes.

Luisa ignored it, a slow smile starting to form around her lips instead. Rose had just let it slide she intended to marry her, and that might just be worth being cursed. It was sort of cool to make statues cry blood after all.


	2. Honey, You missed the Auburn Big Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose decides to go for something new with her hair. It doesn't exactly turn out as expected...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More randomness, yay!
> 
> Enjoy Rose's misfortunes with hair dye!

Rose hummed softly as she rinsed the excess dye from her hair, eyes closed to avoid blinding herself. If she _had_ opened them, she would have noticed the water dripping from her hair was not quite the color advertised on the package.

Unaware still, she shut off the water and blindly reached for a towel, carefully patting her hair dry before twisting it up in the towel and leaving it to dry.

Still humming this summer’s anthem under her breath, she wiped the condensation away from the mirror, immediately spotting something unusual.

Tugging on the short strand poking out from underneath the towel, she groaned. That was definitely not the color she was going for. Briefly hoping it might just be a trick of the light she unwrapped the towel, a cascade of vividly colored curls cascading down her shoulder.

She groaned, Luisa was going to have a field day with this. Deciding there was nothing else she could do about it now, she continued to dry her hair.

‘What took you so long?’ Luisa whined, looking up from the magazine she was reading, a delighted expression immediately taking over her face as she noticed Rose’s hair. ‘Oh. My. God,’ Luisa exclaimed, jumping up from the couch to get a closer look. ‘You look like you fell into a cotton candy machine.’

‘They must have put the wrong bottle in the box,’ Rose sighed.

‘You mean you weren’t going for bright pink?’ Luisa giggled, wrapping one of Rose’s corkscrew curls around her finger, grinning up at Rose.

‘I was actually going for a less conspicuous color, us being on the run and all.’

‘So what are you going to do?’ Luisa asked, biting her bottom lip to keep from grinning.

‘Buy another bottle of hair dye and dye it back to a more naturally occurring color.’

‘You can’t dye it again so soon, it’s bad for your hair!’

Rose cocked an eyebrow. ‘So you’re suggesting I walk around like this for another month?’

Luisa’s barely contained grin was answer enough.

Rose rolled her eyes and grabbed the car keys from the counter.

‘Where are you going?’ Luisa asked, catching Rose by the wrist.

‘To buy hair dye.’

‘Come on, Rose. It’s late. It can at least wait till tomorrow. Let me just enjoy this for one night. Please?’ She flashed Rose her best puppy eyes, simultaneously prying the keys from Rose’s fingers in case the eyes didn’t work.

‘Fine,’ Rose sighed, willing the corners of her mouth to stay level. ‘But tomorrow the pink goes.’

‘I can live with that,’ Luisa grinned, tossing the keys onto the counter and dragging Rose back onto the couch with her, wrapping her arms around her waist and hugging her close. ‘I still think you look amazing.’ She pressed a kiss to the crown of Rose’s head, the wild curls serving to help her grin as well.

‘Yeah, yeah. I look like a clown, Lu.’

‘No, you don’t, you look like a fairy princess. A really tall and gorgeous fairy princess.’

‘Gorgeous, huh?’ Rose grinned, turning around in Luisa’s embrace, smiling down at her, pink hair tumbling over her shoulders, weirdly enchanting.

‘Yes, you look like you’re about to save the day while riding in on a unicorn.’

‘I’m not sure I can swing the unicorn, but I can definitely try saving the day,’ Rose smiled, closing the distance between them with a soft kiss.

As it turned out, it was Rose who had the last laugh.

When Luisa woke up the next morning, it was to an absence of curls in her face; Rose was already up.

‘I think I am going to keep this color a little longer,’ Rose smiled as she reentered the room, a healthy bloom on her cheeks.

Right, it was Saturday, which means Rose had gone for her early morning run.

‘I thought you hated it,’ Luisa grumbled into her pillow. Supremely grateful Rose had stopped asking her to join her on these runs. She knew jogging would keep her healthy, but the costs far outweighed the benefits.

‘I styled it this morning, it doesn’t look as much like I stuck my head in a cotton candy machine now. Also getting hit on five times didn’t hurt.’

‘What?’ Luisa asked, suddenly a lot more awake.

‘The new color is a great conversation starter,’ Rose smiled as she started unlacing her shoes.

‘Men or women?’ Luisa yawned, running her hand through her hair as she looked over at Rose, her hair still startling pink, but now silky smooth and pulled back into a ponytail. Honestly, Luisa couldn’t blame anyone for hitting on her, Rose looked ethereal and amazing.

‘All women,’ Rose grinned. ‘It seems I have finally found a color that keeps men away and invites women closer.’

‘You don’t need any women flirting with you. You have me,’ Luisa pouted, throwing herself around Rose’s neck.

‘They said they’d go running with me,’ Rose teased.

Luisa gasped, offended. ‘You’d trade me in for a sportier model?’

‘No, I love my couch potato model,’ Rose smiled, pushing Luisa onto her back and straddling her hips. ‘Don’t pout,’ Rose laughed, stroking Luisa’s lips with her thumb.

‘You called me a couch potato. One hair dye mistake and suddenly you’re ready to leave me.’

‘I would never leave you,’ Rose smiled, carting her fingers through Luisa’s dark hair. ‘You’ve stayed by my side through all my hair colors. Even this one.’

‘It does look unfairly good,’ Luisa sighed as she ran her hands through Rose’s hair. ‘I mean, no one should look this good with pink hair.’

‘So, should I keep it?’ Rose asked, working her hands up beneath Luisa’s shirt, stroking her stomach softly.

‘Yeah, keep it. It looks good. Really good. You can be my fairytale princess. With or without the unicorn.’

Rose chuckled. ‘I’ve always wanted to be a lesbian princess when I grew up.’

‘Well, mission accomplished, I say,’ Luisa laughed. ‘Now shh. It’s time to get my workout for the day in.’ Without waiting for Rose’s reply, she flipped them over, Rose’s pink hair fanning out behind her. She could get used to this. Even if it was definitely unfair Rose could look this good with literally _any_ hair color.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am pretty sure Rose would look amazing with pink hair and it is definitely unfair.
> 
> If you have any random and silly prompts, do share them! I love writing them
> 
> Thank you for reading, and comments are like lesbian unicorn princesses, always welcome!


	3. Show and Tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Movie night is disturbed when Rose shows a little skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just pure random fluff.
> 
> Enjoy!

‘Roseee,’ Luisa whined, dramatically draping herself over the arm of the couch. ‘What’s taking you so long? We’re gonna miss the previews!’

‘So impatient,’ Rose smiled, tossing her hair over her shoulder as she entered the room. She had recently dyed it back to red, and Luisa would be lying if she said it wasn’t her absolute favorite.

Luisa admired her from her upside-down position for a while, quickly turning right side up as she noticed something.

‘You’re showing!’

Rose smiled and nodded, her hand drifting down to her stomach. She was wearing a tighter dress than she had in a while and the soft swell of a beginning baby bump was clearly visible.

Luisa scrambled up from her perch on the couch, staring at Rose in awe as she approached. She’d known they were going to have a baby for over three months now, and while Rose’s morning sickness for the past few weeks had definitely been a sign something was growing in her stomach, seeing it like this made it more real somehow.

‘She’s growing,’ Rose said, motioning for Luisa to come closer so she could put her hand on her stomach.

‘She’ll be about the size of a lemon now,’ Luisa smiled, rubbing Rose’s stomach, beaming a warm smile towards her unborn child, and then to its mother.

‘What else do you know about our lemon?’ Rose asked, tenderly stroking a lock of hair behind Luisa’s ear, fingers lingering on her cheek for a moment.

‘Her liver will have started producing bile this week,’ Luisa said. She might no longer be a practicing doctor, this had been her area of expertise and it was hard to forget.

Rose buried her face against the side of Luisa’s neck, her laughter thrumming through Luisa’s veins and making her feel warm inside.

‘What’s so funny?’ Luisa asked, swaying Rose in her arms. She loved holding Rose close like this, and ever since the pregnancy hormones had hit, Rose was actively seeking it out too. She’d been changing for years now, becoming softer, gentler, less moody, but pregnancy had certainly sped up the process, or at least Luisa thought so, but Rose had always been different around her.

‘Were these the kind of fun facts you told your patients?’ Rose laughed, squeezing Luisa’s sides.

Luisa chuckled. ‘They were usually more interested in the flashier, less medically relevant, facts.’

‘Tell me one of those,’ Rose said, pressing a soft kiss to where Luisa’s neck met her shoulder, making Luisa squirm against her.

Luisa cupped her hand low over Rose’s abdomen, right where their baby would be right now, growing with every passing second.

‘You can’t feel it yet, but she’ll be kicking and punching you right now with her tiny hands and feet.’

Rose covered Luisa’s hand with her own. ‘I wish I could feel it.’

‘Give it a couple more weeks, you’ll feel it soon enough.’

Rose smiled, brushing her lips against Luisa’s in a soft kiss. ‘I can’t wait for that. Now, I am pretty sure we were going out to watch a movie.’

Luisa had all but forgotten about that, their baby much more important than the predicted Oscar winner they were supposed to watch that night.

‘We could still make it,’ Rose hummed, thumbs stroking Luisa’s jaw as she cradled her face in her hands.

‘We could, or we could stay here and cuddle on the couch.’ Her tone sweet and just a little suggestive.

Rose mulled it over for a moment before slowly shaking her head. ‘No, we should go out. I finally have energy again. Let’s be adults and go out to watch a movie.’

Luisa pouted, that was not the answer she’d been hoping for. Rose had been tired a lot in her first trimester, and as a result they hadn’t gone out as much as they used to, and Luisa found she’d kind of liked it. So she wasn’t going to give up so quickly, she had one last ace up her sleeve.

‘But if we stay in.’ She paused to raise the tension just a little, ‘then you could eat the rest of the ice cream in our fridge.’

‘What makes you think I haven’t already?’ Rose said, unashamed.

Luisa gasped. ‘You ate all the ice cream?!’

‘I’m pregnant?’ Rose shrugged. ‘I’ll buy you more on the way back from the movie theater. Promise.’ Sealing it with a kiss to Luisa’s cheek, then taking her hand and dragging her along. It seemed that they were going out after all.

‘We can’t fool around in the movie theater.’ One last attempt to stay in. It was desperate, but the circumstances were dire.

Rose wasn’t deterred. ‘We can do that after. Now come on, I want to see this movie.’

Luisa sighed, following Rose outside.

‘We’ll have plenty of opportunities to stay in when I get to the beach ball state of this pregnancy,’ Rose reassured her, squeezing her hand.

Luisa relented, after all, there were worse things than going to see a movie with the woman she loved. ‘Fine, I kind of want to show you off anyway. Let everyone know that this gorgeous, glowing woman on my arm is having my baby.’

‘Our baby,’ Rose said, kissing Luisa’s knuckles softly. ‘Now drive, I don’t want to miss the previews.’


	4. Doing the Dishes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose is not a morning person. At all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when I wake up too early and am allowed access to a thesaurus.
> 
> For all you alliteration aficionados, enjoy, this is definitely the pinnacle of my writing.

Rose had never been much of a morning person, she _could_ be if the reward was sufficiently high, but she would always be more of a night owl. As such there were certain things she could not reasonably be expected to deal with at 7 _ante meridiem_ ; a dishwasher full of dicks was definitely one of those.

She stared at the colorful collection of displayed dildos for a few seconds, trying to process what her eyes were telling her she was seeing. Her still groggy brain came up with nothing so she reached past a ribbed, purple specimen to pick up a clean mug. Coffee was needed.

As she sipped her coffee, coherent thought slowly returned to her brain. Honestly, if the police ever wanted to catch her, they should just do it before her morning coffee, she was absolutely useless without it. But even with her IQ points returning, she couldn’t make much sense of what she was seeing.

Luisa had done the dishes last night, something Rose definitely should have been suspicious off as Luisa hated dealing with food residue. And she _had_ been suspicious, thinking Luisa was just being extra nice because she wanted her to do _that thing_ later. Instead Luisa had done _this_ , whatever this was.

As she stared at it, it became clear Luisa had put an extreme amount of thought into this. All the toys had been sorted in the racks by color, a veritable rainbow of cocks assaulting her corneas. She hadn’t even realized they had this many, what could they possible need all of them for?

‘Morning,’ Luisa yawned, reaching into the dishwasher to retrieve a second mug, unbothered by the assault of fake phalluses.

‘Why do have this many dildos?’ Rose asked as Luisa joined her in staring at the open dishwasher, it really was an impressive collection when put on display like this.

‘Well, I had a few, you had a few and then we moved in together so that amount doubled. Then I think we got like eight dildos or so for our combined bachelorette parties, a few gag gifts, you know, the usual ways one acquires sex toys.’

Right, that made sense. That still left one question unanswered.

‘And they are in our dishwasher why?’ Rose asked, not taking her eyes off the plethora of penii.

Luisa sniggered, her amusement unhindered by the early hour. ‘It was faster than washing them all by hand. Plus, I wanted to see if they were really dishwasher proof. And look, they are!’ She picked one up and waved it in Rose’s face. The silicon schlong jiggling unnaturally and much closer to her face than she ever wanted it to be again.

Rose groaned and averted her eyes, pouring herself another cup of coffee before distancing herself from the dishwasher of dicks and retreating into their bedroom.

‘Get them out of our dishwasher, please!’ she called over her shoulder. ‘We need it to do our actual dishes.’

‘But these are the dishes we actually _do._ ’ Luisa kept a straight face for all of a second before doubling over with laughter. ‘Get it?’ she laughed. ‘Rose, they are in the dishwasher, so they're dishes. And we _do_ them.’

Rose rolled her eyes and disappeared into their bedroom, closing the door behind her. it was too early for penis related humor. Far too early.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not sorry and will not apologize for putting these images into your heads.  
> Please tell my your favorite penis pun in the comments, I had a blast writing them. 
> 
> Congrats for making it to the end and thanks for reading.


	5. Not Yours, Not Mine, Ours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose and Luisa are making their house a home

‘Rose!’ Luisa called out, wringing the excess water from her hair. ‘I forgot to bring a towel!’ Quietly she added “again”, smiling as she looked at herself in the mirror. She brushed some droplets from her arms as she waited for Rose to supply her with a towel.

‘It’s almost as if you’re doing it on purpose now,’ Rose smiled as she stepped into the bathroom, holding out a fluffy white towel for Luisa to step into.

Luisa grinned, letting Rose wrap her in the towel. ‘I just keep forgetting you keep your towels in the linen closet and not in the bathroom like a normal person.’

‘Mmh, sure,’ Rose hummed, brushing Luisa’s damp hair aside to kiss the side of her neck. ‘I mean, the linen closet is just outside in the hallway, you could get one yourself. No need to call me in here every time.’

‘I don’t want to drip water all over your hardwood floors.’

‘You keep doing that,’ Rose hummed, wrapping her arms around Luisa’s waist, resting her chin on her shoulder.

‘Keeping doing what?’ Luisa asked, meeting Rose’s gaze in the mirror.

‘ _My_ towels, _my_ hardwood floors. They aren’t mine, they’re ours. This is our house, Luisa. You know that, right?’

‘I know,’ Luisa smiled, turning around in Rose’s embrace. ‘I just enjoy making you fetch me stuff.’

‘Oh, do you now?’ Rose smirked, tightening her grip around Luisa’s waist and lifting her into the air.

‘Rose! Put me down!’ Luisa squealed, pounding her fists on Rose’s back.

‘Nope. You want me to fetch stuff, I’m fetching stuff,’ Rose said as she carried Luisa out of the bathroom.

Luisa squirmed in Rose’s arms but her grip was like iron.

‘You’re not going anywhere, Miss Alver,’ Rose murmured into Luisa’s neck, right before throwing her down on their bed.

‘Rose!’ Luisa laughed breathlessly as Rose pounced on her.

‘Well, you won’t need this,’ Rose grinned predatorily as she pulled the towel away from Luisa.

‘What are you doing?’ Luisa said, lacing her fingers together behind Rose’s head.

‘Giving you exactly what you want,’ Rose said as she started laying kisses down Luisa’s throat.

‘And how do you know what I want?’ Luisa sighed happily, spreading her legs so Rose could settle between them more easily.

‘Lover’s intuition,’ Rose grinned, tongue darting out to lick some stray droplets off Luisa’s chest. ‘I mean, this is the third time this week you forgot to bring a towel, you’re obviously trying to tell me something.’

‘Am I?’ Luisa said, arching her back as Rose’s lips ghosted over her stomach, steadily dipping lower and lower…

‘Yes,’ Rose said, resting her chin on Luisa’s thigh as she looked up at her. ‘You don’t like our towels.’ With a soft chuckle, she raised herself up on her knees and climbed off the bed.

Luisa stared at her in disbelief for a second and then let her head thud back against the pillows.

‘You’re such a tease, Rose,’ Luisa sighed.

‘Oh, I’m the tease, am I?’ Rose laughed, throwing the wet towel at Luisa’s face. ‘You keep making me watch you get out of the shower. Naked, dripping wet, looking amazing.’

‘On accident,’ Luisa smiled, raising herself up on her elbows.

‘You’re a terrible liar, Luisa Alver. I see through your little schemes,’ Rose said, leaning back over Luisa, their faces inches apart. ‘Now get dressed.’ She punctuated the statement with a soft kiss to Luisa’s lips.

‘Get dressed? So we are really not doing this?’ Luisa looked motioned to her naked body.

‘Nope, we’re going out, and buying you a towel rack.’

Luisa rolled her eyes as Rose left the room, still snickering.

* * *

Ten minutes later Luisa flopped down on the couch next to Rose.

‘Can’t believe my evil plan to get you to sleep with me didn’t work,’ Luisa pouted.

‘Aw, honey, you can’t outsmart the maestro.’

‘The maestro?’ Luisa laughed. ‘That’s a little grand, even by your standards.’

‘Not inaccurate, though,’ Rose grinned, pecking Luisa on the cheek.

‘No, I guess not,’ Luisa sighed.

‘So towel rack, yeah?’ Rose said as she got up, holding her hand out for Luisa.

Luisa frowned. ‘Wait, you weren’t kidding about that?’

‘No, you might have been right, this _is_ my house, everything was already set before you came here. It’s about time you got to exude some of your feminine influences on my bachelor pad.’

Luisa threw her head back and laughed. ‘Feminine influences? Please, there are already flowers in every room. There is nothing I can do to make it look any more like women live here.’

‘No, but you can make it look like you live here,’ Rose said, squeezing Luisa’s hand. ‘Come on, I know there must me some things about this house that you hate.’

‘No, it’s fine. I love your, _our_ , house.’

Rose raised an eyebrow. ‘Tell me what you would change,’ Rose said, poking Luisa’s side lightly.

‘Nothing!’ Luisa laughed, batting Rose’s hands away.

‘Tell me!’ Rose continued, tickling Luisa’s stomach. ‘Tell me, Luisa!’

‘Alright, alright!’ Luisa hiccupped, wiping the tears from laughing so hard away, ‘I hate your couch.’

‘This couch?’ Rose said, patting the leather cushion they were sitting on.

‘Yes, this one.’

‘Why?’

‘Because it is white leather in a tropical climate, my legs stick to it. The cushions are hard and narrow, I can’t even draw up my legs. We can’t cuddle on it together. It is just uncomfortable. Couches are supposed to be comfortable, Rose.’

‘But it fits the room so well,’ Rose pouted.

‘You said to tell you what I hated. I hate this couch. It’s gotta go. I want a comfortable couch. One I can put my legs up on and cuddle with you on late at night when we don’t want to go to bed yet.’

‘That doesn’t sound so bad,’ Rose murmured.

‘No, it doesn’t,’ Luisa smiled, cuddling into Rose’s side. ‘So, where’s this island’s Ikea where we can score a nice new cuddle couch?’

Rose laughed. ‘Just a short flight away.’

* * *

‘Can’t you just have your henchmen assemble this?’ Luisa pouted as she flipped the instructions 180-degrees, maybe they would make more sense upside down.

‘You literally just have to screw the legs underneath it,’ Rose said, switching the wrench in Luisa’s hands for a screwdriver and turning the instructions another quarter so they were right side up.

Luisa sighed and picked up one of the couch’s legs, putting it on the designated spot on the bottom of the couch.

‘It’s backwards,’ Rose chuckled.

Luisa glared at her. ‘If you’re so smart why don’t you do it?’

‘Because I have to assemble the cubbies in the bathroom so you can store your towels there, _and_ hang up this heated towel rack. Which does require a drill and as you don’t even know how to use a Phillips-head, I am not comfortable with letting you use anything with a motor.’ To emphasize her point she squeezed the trigger on the cordless drill she was holding a couple of times while smiling gleefully.

‘Yeah, okay, I get it, I can’t do manual labor. Go be butch in some other part of the house. I got this.’ She twirled the screwdriver around between her fingers, only to immediately drop it.

Rose laughed as she walked towards the bathroom. ‘Try and get all legs on the right way.’

‘ _Try and get all legs on the right way_ ,’ Luisa mocked.

‘I heard that!’ Rose yelled back.

‘You were supposed to!’ Luisa replied, focusing back on the intricate diagram in front of her. She had an IQ of 152, she could do this.

* * *

‘Is it safe?’ Rose asked as she looked at the couch Luisa was proudly showing off to her.

‘Of course it’s safe! Is it safe,’ Luisa spluttered as she flopped down on her freshly assembled couch. The couch made one alarming creak and then tipped over as two of its legs immediately buckled underneath Luisa’s weight.

‘Oh my god are you okay?’ Rose asked, barely containing her grin as she helped Luisa back up.

‘Yeah, just my ego that’s bruised,’ Luisa muttered.

Rose gathered her face in her hands, kissing her softly. ‘I’ll fix the couch and then we can cuddle on it, okay?’

Luisa nodded meekly.

‘Don’t pout, you’re just no good with a screwdriver, we all have our flaws. It’s kind of cute, really.’

‘You think my glaring incompetence is cute?’

‘Yes, at least now I know you need me for something,’ Rose smiled as she systematically screwed all legs back underneath the couch. Also fixing the ones that were still attached but hanging on by a thread. It took her five minutes to do what had taken Luisa 3 hours.

‘If I end up on the floor again I am blaming you,’ Luisa said, wary of joining Rose on the plush couch cushions.

‘It’s completely safe now. I promise,’ Rose said, patting the cushion next to her. ‘Come on, come sit with me. I was promised cuddles.’

Luisa tentatively joined Rose on the couch, drawing her legs up underneath her once the couch didn’t creak and moan.

‘See, it’s nice,’ Rose smiled, wrapping her arm around Luisa’s shoulder.

‘Nicer than your couch?’ Luisa asked, a small smile forming around her lips.

‘Yeah, much nicer,’ Rose admitted, pulling Luisa onto her lap. ‘You have great taste.’

Luisa smiled, resting her head on Rose’s shoulder. ‘It’s not your taste is bad, this is just more practical. I want to be able to cuddle with you.’

‘Yeah, that was a good call,’ Rose murmured into Luisa’s hair, kissing her neck.

Luisa giggled. ‘You’re insatiable, you know that? We just got this couch we don’t immediately need to break it in.’

‘But we have unfinished business from this morning,’ Rose purred, pushing Luisa onto the cushions, straddling her hips.

‘You’re going to miss brining me towels,’ Luisa grinned.

‘I guess you’re just going to have to come up with something new then,’ Rose husked, leaning in to kiss Luisa deeply.

‘I have some ideas,’ Luisa whispered as she pulled Rose close. She had so many ideas.


	6. And Behind Door No. 1...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luisa finds a locked door in their basement, her curiosity gets the better of her.

‘Now where did you hide that chocolate, miss Ruvelle?’ Luisa said, riffling through the shelves in the basement. She knew Rose was hiding it from her, and Rose knew she hated basements as they were damp and generally nasty so this was the most likely place for her to hide it.

‘God, I’m dating a secret hoarder,’ Luisa whispered as she picked up the 20th bag of pasta. ‘You don’t even eat carbs! Why do you have so much pasta?’ Luisa muttered incredulously.

She sighed and leaned back against a wall. She was dating a woman who’d literally run a business smuggling class A drugs into the country, she was never going to finding that chocolate.

As she sagged down the wall a bit she noticed something glowing from between the ridiculous amount of pasta.

She narrowed her eyes and pushed herself up. There was definitely something lighting up behind all the macaroni and penne noodles. As she pushed the bags aside an electronic keypad revealed itself, together with the outline of a hidden door.

Luisa suddenly became very aware of her heartbeat. There was a hidden door in their house. One locked with a keypad. She really wanted to give Rose the benefit of the doubt, she had promised she was done with crime. But there was a door hidden behind a year’s worth of carbohydrates, a door with an electronic keypad that Rose had never mentioned to her.

She bit her lip and pulled the shelving unit away from the door. It moved remarkably easy, which probably meant it was moved a lot…

‘Dammit Rose,’ Luisa cursed softly as she now stood in front of what was definitely a reinforced steel door. She needed to know what was behind it, but the blue light of the keypad was taunting her. She would never get through this door, unless she figured out the code.

‘Here goes nothing,’ Luisa sighed, pressing in zeroes until the keypad beeped. A red light coming on. She should have known Rose’s code would be more sophisticated than just zeroes, at least now she knew the code had five digits. Only 99999 possibilities to go…

Five digits meant it wasn’t a date. A zip code maybe? Half a routing number? What else had five numbers?

‘Come on, Luisa. You have an IQ of 152, you can hack this,’ she said to herself. Sadly, although Rose never confirmed it, Rose her IQ had to be somewhere around that number so it wouldn’t really offer her an advantage.

She started pacing the length of the basement. So maybe her IQ wouldn’t help her out of this, but she knew Rose, better than anyone. Rose would have picked something familiar to her. No, wait, this was Rose, she would have picked five random numbers with absolutely no meaning that no one could crack except her. ‘Why can’t you be a normal personal who uses her birthday, or her name spelled on a T9 keyboard.’ And then it hit her. Rose might be really smart, she was also really self-absorbed, and when given the chance she would _definitely_ make it all about her.

 _Rose_? Too short.

 _Sin Rostro_? Too long.

What other names had Rose gone by over the years?

She chewed on her lip as she tried to remember, Rose had had _a lot_ of names.

Clara. Rose’s real name was Clara. Clara had five letters. 25272. Angry bleep and a red light.

She mentally went through all of Rose’s aliases, but was only met by more bleeps and flickering red lights.

Out of ideas, Luisa dejectedly punched in one last code, 58472. She had already turned around to walk away when the box made a different sound and the red light switched to green.

Stunned, Luisa pushing down the handle, half expecting it to not actually open. But it did. And what she saw was not what she expected at all.

It was just an empty concrete room. Well, not totally empty. Metal racks were set up around the room. Luisa ran her finger across one of the dusty shelves. Wine racks, the room was full of dozens and dozens of empty wine racks.

She stared at it with an open mouth, picking up a dusty crystal glass of a table, staring at it in confusion.

A wine cellar? Rose was hiding a wine cellar behind a steel door with an electronic keypad, while not storing a single bottle of wine in it. Why?

‘Luisa?’ Rose called out. ‘Where are you?’

Luisa was still too stunned to reply, yet it didn’t take long for Rose to find her.

‘Ah, I see,’ Rose said as she halted in the doorway of her secret room.

‘Where am I right now?’ Luisa asked as turned towards Rose.

‘You’re in my wine cellar,’ Rose said.

‘Why do you have a hidden wine cellar?’ Luisa said, tears starting to blur her vision slightly.

Rose took a couple steps forward, carefully putting her hand on Luisa’s arm. ‘I had this place built before I met you, I had a pretty large collection of rare, and very expensive wines back then. Hence the keypad on the door. But then I met you, and I wanted to live here with you. So I got rid of all of them and pretty much forgot about this room.’

‘I thought you had like a meth lab hidden underneath here,’ Luisa said as she wiped at her eyes.

‘That’s ridiculous, meth labs need good ventilation. You’d never get that in a basement,’ Rose said, looking confused that Luisa didn’t seem to know the basics of meth production.

Luisa laughed wetly, flying around Rose’s neck, burying her face in the crook of her neck. ‘I love you so much.’

Rose slowly put her arms up around Luisa’s shoulders. ‘I don’t usually like to admit this, but I am a little confused right now. I thought you were angry with me.’

‘No, no,’ Luisa said, shaking her head rapidly. ‘I was, maybe, when I found the door. But you, you did this for me? You cleared out your wine cellar so we could live here together?’

‘It was a small sacrifice,’ Rose shrugged. ‘One that made me a lot of money too.’

‘Don’t ruin this for me,’ Luisa muttered.

‘Okay,’ Rose smiled, kissing the top of Luisa’s head.

‘Just one thing, why didn’t you tell me about this room? Why hide it behind all that pasta?’

‘Because if I told you, you would have said I shouldn’t have. And I absolutely should have.’

Luisa hugged Rose even tighter. ‘No one has ever done anything like that for me.’

‘Can we go upstairs now?’ Rose said, pressing soft kisses against Luisa’s hair. ‘It is quite damp in here.’ She tilted her head to the side. ‘Which it isn’t supposed to be. I should really kill that contractor.’

‘Rose,’ Luisa chuckled. ‘No more killing people.’

‘Right, of course,’ Luisa said, wrapping her arm around Luisa’s waist, leading her out of the wine cellar.

Rose closed the door behind them, the keypad beeping as it locked.

‘58472,’ Luisa said suddenly.

‘What?’ Rose looked at Luisa with an amused smile.

‘The code for the door. 58472. It spells my name. Why?’

‘So I would always know who I was giving it up for,’ Rose smiled.

Not knowing what to do with the overwhelming feeling of love radiating out from her heart, Luisa elbowed Rose in the ribs. ‘Sap.’

‘I love you too,’ Rose smiled, seeing right through Luisa’s feeble attempt at deflection.

‘So what are we gonna do with the space?’

Rose shrugged as she started up the stairs. ‘It would be ideal for storing all my weapons.’

‘Rose!’ Luisa yelped, not sure if Rose was kidding or not.

‘Just joking,’ Rose laughed. ‘They are fine up in the attic.’

‘ROSE!’ Luisa yelled, running up the stairs after her impossible girlfriend. Glad all Rose was hiding from her was that she was actually a thoughtful human being. Even if she was now seriously concerned about the weapons thing.


	7. Cottage in the Forest or Cabin in the Woods?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose takes Luisa to her cabin in the middle of nowhere, Luisa has seen too many horror movies to not be suspicious, luckily Rose has a couple ideas on how to get her mind off it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the first part of this was originally published on Tumblr as part of my autumn shorts prompts (check them out [here](http://writersblockisabitch.tumblr.com) if you haven't already) and as I had a lot of fun with it I decided to add a part, which is of course smut.
> 
> So as promised, here it is, enjoy!

Luisa nervously looked out the window. It was starting to get dark and according to the GPS they still had an hour of driving to do. They had left the main roads about two hours back and were now navigating their way through small country lanes flanked by dense forests on either side.

It was dark, almost impossibly dark. Luisa had spent almost all of her life in cities and complete darkness was a foreign concept to her.

She looked to her side, Rose was driving calmly, not showing any signs of the discomfort Luisa felt.

‘Are you sure we’re on the right road?’ Luisa asked, rapping her fingers against her thigh.

Rose met her eyes through the rearview mirror. ‘I am sure.’

‘Okay, good,’ Luisa said, going back to staring into the deep darkness outside. It only served to make her more anxious.

She reached for the radio, maybe music would help make her feel more comfortable.

‘Don’t bother,’ Rose said. ‘There aren’t any stations within reach.’

Luisa swallowed. ‘How far in the middle of nowhere are we exactly?’

‘I would say dead-center,’ Rose smiled.

‘Cool, cool, cool,’ Luisa said, nodding her head.

Rose looked at her through the rearview mirror, not really wanting to take her eyes off the road. Deer had been known to cross these roads and she would rather not hit any.

‘Everything okay?’ she asked.

‘Yeah, it’s just when you asked me if I wanted to stay in your cabin in the woods I thought it would be romantic. Like wood fires and stargazing and feeding deer. But it is started to seem more like a horror story now.’

‘It’s just a forest, babe. Nothing scary. I promise. It is a really nice cabin too.’ She put her hand on Luisa’s knee, squeezing softly.

‘So there won’t be a creepy old man delivering messages of doom?’

‘Nah, John is harmless.’

‘What?!’ Luisa squeaked.

Rose laughed. ‘I’m kidding. You know it is adorable you are so scared. Whatever is hiding out in these woods, I am ten times scarier. I promise.’

‘Just promise me you’ll stick to the horror movie rules while we’re there,’ Luisa said, gripping Rose’s hand tightly as she thought she saw something move between the trees outside.

‘I will not,’ Rose said, continuing as she saw Luisa’s affronted expression. ‘No sex is one of those and I definitely plan to have my way with you on the rug in front of the fireplace. And in the hot tub. And in the shower. And in any other room of the cabin,’ Rose grinned, letting her hand drift to the inside of Luisa’s thigh.

‘Okay fine. Just promise you will protect me from zombies, elder gods, psychopathic murderers, cults, ghost and bears.’

Rose rolled her but promised to protect Luisa from all those things.

‘There’s a Beyoncé CD in the glove compartment,’ Rose said with a reassuring squeeze to Luisa’s hand. ‘Why don’t you listen to that for the last 45 minutes of this journey and try to relax? We are on holiday after all.’

‘Okay, yeah,’ Luisa said, feeding the CD in question into the player. The familiar music calming her nerves somewhat, but she had seen too many horror movies in her life to not be somewhat wary of cabins in the woods.

‘Babe, it will be fine,’ Rose said as she stroked a lock of hair behind Luisa’s ear, still seeing the fear in Luisa’s brown eyes. ‘I am the only psychopathic murderer in this forest, and if I wanted to kill you I would have done it years ago.’

‘Very comforting,’ Luisa said, but she couldn’t help but smile. She was being a little ridiculous.

‘You’re going to see the hot tub and immediately forget about all those horror movies I am never letting you watch again.’

Luisa spent the rest of the ride listening to music and lightly dozing in her seat, the dark outside was better to stomach when she had her eyes closed.

Yet she couldn’t help but jump as Rose put her hand on her knee.

Rose raised an eyebrow. ‘I will try not to be offended by that.’

‘Sorry,’ Luisa said sheepishly. It had been years since she jumped last at Rose’s presence. ‘Just on edge.’

‘Come on, jumpy,’ Rose smiled, forgetting the earlier affront. ‘We’re here.’

Luisa looked out the front window and saw the shadow of a large cabin looming in front. The light on the front porch just enough to see that the cabin didn’t look all that creepy. Just a normal log cabin in the middle of a forest. Nothing to be scared of.

She opened the car door and got out. The wind whipped up the fallen leaves around her feet and raised goosebumps on her arms.

‘I am never watching a horror movie again,’ Luisa whispered under her breath as she followed Rose up the porch steps.

‘Would you like a tour?’ Rose asked as they stepped inside, Luisa immediately locking the door behind them.

‘Just to make sure there are no zombies hiding in the basement?’ Rose continued.

Luisa slapped Rose’s arm. ‘I don’t make fun of you about your arachnophobia.’

‘Really?’ Rose deadpanned. ‘You take great joy in putting spiders in my face.’

‘Fine,’ Luisa admitted. ‘But it isn’t nice and you should stop.’

‘Just let me show you around so you can see there is nothing to be scared off.’

Rose put her hand on the small of Luisa’s back and guided her around the house.

It didn’t look like a house of horrors. With the honey colored paneling, the red accents and the comfortable furniture it looked like an upscale ski lodge. The rest of the house was much the same, from the modern kitchen, to the five-piece bathroom and king-size bed upstairs. It was clean and warm and smelled nicely off pine.

‘Are you okay with staying here now?’ Rose asked as they returned to the kitchen where Rose started heating up milk to make hot chocolate.

‘As long as you promise not to go into the basement or the attic I’ll be fine,’ Luisa smiled.

Rose leaned over the counter to kiss Luisa. ‘I promise,’ she said as she pulled away. ‘If you promise to put on a bikini and go take a dip in the hot tub with me.’

Luisa pretended to consider the proposition for a few moments. ‘You drive a hard bargain, but I’ll take it.’

‘Wonderful,’ Rose said, pouring the hot milk in two mugs and stirring the cacao in. ‘Now go change.’

Luisa laughed, taking Rose’s hand and pulling her around the counter. ‘You need to change too, babe.’

Ten minutes later, Luisa was idling in the kitchen doorway. It was cold and dark outside and Rose was still upstairs. It was better just to wait for her.

If Rose noticed her hesitance she didn’t comment on it. Just stepping outside herself and leaving Luisa to follow.

Watching Rose’s lithe body clad only in a bikini sink into the steaming water was enough to drive her from the safety of the kitchen.

She couldn’t suppress a sigh as she lowered herself into the water, the cold autumn air made the hot water even more comfortable.

Rose pulled Luisa through the water until they were sitting hip to hip.

‘Look up,’ she hummed as she wrapped her arm around Luisa’s shoulders.

Luisa did and saw the most overwhelming night sky she had ever seen. Never before had she seen so many stars.

‘Wow,’ she gasped, looking at the thousands of pinpricks of light. ‘It’s beautiful.’

‘Just like you,’ Rose said, tilting Luisa’s chin a little so she could kiss her.

Luisa smiled into the kiss, forgetting about all the evil possibly lurking in the woods and under their house.

Aided by the natural buoyancy of the water Rose pulled Luisa into her lap, never breaking the kiss.

They kept chasing each other’s lips, the kissing quickly turning into a heated making-out session that put the steaming water to shame.

Luisa was so lost in the back and forth of their lips that she hadn’t noticed Rose undoing the knots that kept her bikini top up until Rose palmed her breasts in her hands.

She gasped, and pulled away from the kiss, instead moving her lips down Rose’s jaw to her ear.

‘And you went through so much trouble to get me into that bikini,’ Luisa husked as she took Rose’s earlobe between her teeth, tugging playfully.

‘I just love taking it off of you,’ Rose smirked, tightening her grip on Luisa’s hips and quickly moving them to the other side of the tub, so it was Luisa who was pinned back against the wall.

Luisa gasped again, letting her head fall back. The blanket of stars a wonderful backdrop as Rose moved her mouth and hands all over her body, making Luisa see stars of a different kind.

‘God,’ Luisa moaned, tangling her hand in Rose’s damp hair to keep her in place.

Rose nipped sharply at Luisa’s collarbone, a clear sign she wasn’t going to let Luisa control her tonight.

Luisa hissed, easing her grip on Rose’s dark locks a little, instead wantonly rolling her hips into Rose’s.

Rose responded by sucking and licking the side of Luisa’s neck as she moved her hand into her underwear.

Luisa’s eyes fell closed, focusing completely on the feeling. The hot water cocooning her, Rose’s comforting weight on top of her, the cool air around her face and shoulders combined with the warmth of Rose’s mouth. It was an incredible assault on her senses and all Luisa could do was try and keep up.

‘You’ve gone very quiet,’ Rose husked, the mouse of her hand hitting Luisa’s clit wonderfully as she pumped her fingers in and out of her at a slow, leisurely pace. ‘I’ll take that as a good sign.’

‘So good,’ Luisa sighed, rolling her hips into Rose’s hand.

‘I like you like this, you finally listen to me,’ Rose teased, picking up the pace a little.

Luisa didn’t currently have the presence of mind to respond with something witty, so she would just have to save it for later.

‘More,’ Luisa moaned instead.

‘More what?’ Rose smirked, curling her fingers slightly, making Luisa moan and pant.

‘More. Please,’ Luisa sighed, feeling indescribable pleasure starting to knot together low in her stomach.

Rose grinned, using her hips to put more power behind the thrusts of her hand, pushing Luisa higher and higher until she shattered.

Her scream was loud enough to drive away any murderers lingering in the nearby woods, but Luisa had long since forgotten about that.

Rose kept her hand moving until the only stars Luisa saw were those in the night sky.

Luisa slowly looked down, right into Rose’s smirking face.

‘You’re welcome,’ Rose grinned.

Luisa rolled her eyes, grabbed Rose’s face and just pulled her into a kiss to shut her up.

Rose moaned into the kiss and Luisa made use of it by flipping their positions again.

‘You’re about to thank me,’ she said mysteriously. ‘I can hold my breath for a _really_ long time.’

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are like crying statues: fucking epic! Please leave some <3


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